If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
