How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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