Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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