This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
