my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
