apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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