my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
