Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
