I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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