i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
