it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
