everyone is single if you try hard enough
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
