I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Two words: blizzard sex
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
