i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
