You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
