I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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