She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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