I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
