apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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