I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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