I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
