Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
