I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize