pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
