I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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