she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
