You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
