it wasn't lemon gatorade
No stitches, just platelets and will power
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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