it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
