I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
