They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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