if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
