can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The uberlube is also flammable
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
