Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my sisters under your porch take her home
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
