I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
