all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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