Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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