Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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