see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
