As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize