We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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