She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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