Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
