I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
