Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
