i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Two words: nipple clamps
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