everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
