I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
