Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
