I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize