it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize