I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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