My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
