dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
