My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
