The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize