By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
