i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
