He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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