girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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