I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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