He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
