Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize